i am numb in a daze can't think straight like a zombie time passes me by i don't even notice it i am mentally paralysed unable to take part in a conversation it all feels so hard every day is a challenge i am a prisoner and i will never break free oh so claustrophobic buried deep beneath my sadness and struggling to breathe drumming against the walls screaming for help but the walls are closing in wish i could sleep past all this shit just open my eyes one day and it will all be over i am so isolated i refuse to speak to anyone i just can't do it i want to be alone but i am so lonely dragged myself to see a friend today we just cuddled she is the only one i want to see i have lost my hope i have lost my fight i have absolutely parted way with happiness i want to shout that i just can't do this but no one is here to listen no one understands i can't explain well enough how i feel just so lost and sad and drowning i am scared the world is going to swallow me up and no one will notice post secret really disappointed me this week

My wish list:

        I don't want Kate Moss, JUST HER DRESSES!

  I LOVE THESE TOPS!!!

WOW! IWANT!
And these, just for a rainy day!

THESE TOO PLEASE??!!

Soooo warm!

    These and tiny legs to go with them please?

I LOVE THESE AND SOSOSOSO WARM!

I don't know what colour I like best, so I'll take both please...




    And I'll take him too!

I found a pair of old battery-less scales.
I went into town and bought some batteries.
I couldn't not. I was compelled to go and spend £10 I DO NOT have.
So much for ME being in control.
I feel so anxious and jittery and I have no where to vent.
I want to take some laxatives, even though I haven't eaten today.
They are like my own form of self-harm, my own coping mechanism, and I really need them right now.
*sigh*

I don't quite know what to do with myself without PA.
I feel so lost and empty.
I am taking a year off right now to relax and recover, but it means I have nothing to do.
PA was the only thing to fill my time.
I am so worried that I am just going to go back to the unspeakable months without that place.
They were awful.
I don't know what I am going to do.
Dylan is ignoring me.
JKDNCJNJC JEMW DKE WDK

And for those of you interested, Gemma and Lucy have both been readded to PA.

OMG. So I am looking through the posts on PA, and reading comments and stuff, and I see this from Dylan: 

</a></font></b></a>not_this_planet 2008-10-27 03:41 pm (local) (link)

I deleted the post because the entire thread was so offensive I was getting complaints from members asking me to ban those participating. In the posting and comments people were making fun of others in the community, including reproducing their posts and links, and even going to the other posts and making comments there. It was some of the worst I've ever seen in these communities. The two worst offenders got banned and some others got warnings.

He had one - ONE - complaint. And I have seen far worse. Remember that girl who posted the picture of the third world child and vulture? What about all those posts and comments encouraging purging? Or how about those posts that make fun of overweight people? Maybe I showed a slight lapse in judgement (not for the 'thinspirational quotes'), but the worst in these communities? I think there is far worse on a daily basis.
I actually think I have been a pretty good member here - never had a complaint before this, never broken a rule before and always been very supportive. I think I warning would have done.

I am so sad without PA.

Dylan banned me from PA. This email sums it up.
The one Dylan sent me and my response.

I am disappointed to recieve this email. I expressed an opinion on a post that offended me - I don't think 'thinspirational quotes' that basically make fun of overweight people are very nice. You're the one who lets members in, so you must know there are members here who suffer from COE or BED - I myself have binge eating problems and due to depression I ate myself up to an unhealthy weight. How do you think they feel when they read 'even kindergarten aged children demonstrate aversion to their overweight peers'. Those kinds of quotes take me right back to the days when my dad was drunk and he would call me fat and disgusting and lazy. It is reverse thinspo and it is triggering and AGAINST the rules that you made. But whatever, I have gone to a low level....

> Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:42:27 -0700
> From: starz@tokyo.com
> To: louvlomas@hotmail.co.uk
> Subject: freidadave
>
>
>
>
> Geez, now you're making fun of other members too? sorry. I'm disappointed that you have gone to this level.
>
>
>
>
> freidadave
> 2008-10-26 05:52 pm (local) (from 90.196.110.209) (link) Select
> http://community.livejournal.com/pa_waiting_room/30256358.html?view=116989926#t116989926
>
> This one is my favourite:
> -Even Kindergarten aged children demonstrate aversion to their overweight peers.
>
>
> 
 
PA was turning into a joke anyway, but now I have no one to talk to ever. I really needed that place as I am more depressed than ever and about to start recovery.